Reflections on complaints and worries.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV)

How is it that I feel like I spend too much time complaining? How is it that my friends all feel like they spend too much time complaining? Is it because we hear ourselves in our thoughts, in inner dialogue, in conversation with concerned people, and sometimes in the typed words of our many blogs/facebook posts/tweets. Is it truly that we are complaining too much? Is it, as a mentor said, that complaining isn't if you are simply presenting the facts? I think I "complain" because it is a way to ease the worrying of my soul.

This post was going to be about how I've been feeling lately, but I think it's becoming less about me laying down the many sentiments and statements about being up here all alone, and more about how there is a constant desire to sit and worry myself sick.

The above passage has been underlined, highlighted, and bookmarked in my Bible for years now. Such that, I can open that particular bible and it will fall open to those words. My mother directed me to it when I was a teen. I do not know what it was that was causing me to worry in such a state that Mum felt compelled to direct me to it. And I am sure that, as with much of my teen years, the issue wasn't nearly as life or death as I was surely convinced it was. Through much of my life I have struggled with this passage.

As I sat eating my breakfast in the cafeteria this past week, I observed a magpie digging seeds out from between the crevices of the rock wall of the school building. It was frantically jumping from foothold to foothold, poking its little beak into places it was certain it had stored some food in the fall. I had watched the magpies in the fall, storing the food, so I was just as certain that the food was there. They do stow! I had thought, and received proof.

I don't think that was necessarily Jesus' point, however. I have come to think that Jesus wants to remind us to rely on God. Our own desires aren't always going to be about our own sustenance, and worrying isn't going to help the situation. In fact, when I worry about something that I have no control over, I often come out feeling worse by the end of it. So what's a girl to do?

Share. Laying out the facts of how I am feeling isn't complaining, when the alternative is sitting alone and worrying myself to an early demise. And I wish more of my friends would come to that realization. Not just the sharing part, but the listening part as well. Listening to someone who needs to get anything "off of their chest" isn't listening to someone just complain - it's sharing the burdens of the mind and soul. It's a blood-letting of the "heart". And just being there for people is often enough for that person to move on. Some people need a little more - but I don't really want to get into the dynamics of psychology.

So, perhaps a commitment to the Lenten season. Listen to the people around you who are "complaining", pray for them, and share your own "complaints" with people you trust. Pray for yourself, attempt to move on by giving it up to God, but don't feel bad if those little worries creep back into your mind. Just deal with them head-on. And share as often as you need to.

Peace.

Back in the Saddle?

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." 1 Corinthians 13: 1 - 3

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering,
as though something strange were happening to you."
1 Peter 4: 12

Yes, I know. I said I would post about the trip.... but my photos aren't back from the photo place yet (if they even develop), so it will have to wait a bit longer.

And the reality of a Seminarian's life hits me today much like a sopping wet snowball to the side of the head. This is hard work. And there's a lot of it. And no one much cares because they all have the same amount of work to do.

"Suck it up" doesn't have the wonderful feeling to it anymore. And is that maybe because I am used to saying it more tongue-in-cheek? Perhaps something for further investigation at a later time.

Second semester seems to be taking on earnestly the challenge of "weeding out". I don't really like to complain about my life, and I know that there are plenty of people out there who are harder-working, further-stretched, or just plain more down-and-out than I, but I want to help you understand what I am up against in my current life.

I am enrolled in 6 classes. Two of them were full year, and because of that I have the credit load of 5 classes - but it's really as though I am taking 6 classes. Each class has its own required material (our professors are supposed to stay under 1000 pages of reading per class). In one class, the professor has determined that we will read the entire Old Testament during the course of the semester (that's on top of the regular reading). In another, we will read the entire New Testament during the course of the semester (on top of regular reading and additional secondary reading - found for your convenience, in the library). In yet another, regular reading plus whatever chapters of the Bible that are necessary to understanding theology. And then History (we're spending 8 weeks on Reformation). And Liturgy. And Globalization, where we will be assessing our trip and contextualizing it to the content of the class. That's 6 right?! So I will in actuality probably read the Bible 3 times fully in 4 months. (I always said I wanted to spend more time reading the Bible....)

Outside of class: Every fourth week, I am involved with a group of peers to lead worship. I have LTSSU Secretarial duties. I am the Worship Committee Chairperson (and we are responsible for Holy Week and all Easter celebrations). I am the Events Chairperson (which won't have too much responsibility after the next LTSSU Meeting - I am a firm believer in ad hoc committees). I have a weekly bible study at church (We're doing the Book of Faith series on Romans). I have to plan and teach an Adult Education session at Church in March with another classmate. I have to find the time to assist another communion service at church as part of my contextual education component. Then there are the occasional Theological Café attendences, STU sessions and meetings, and various other event things that come up. For leisure, I attend a weekly Theological Breakfast with some classmates and a weekly Grubbery and Libations dinner. I also try to get to the STU hockey games to cheer for my classmates who are on the ice. And to squeeze in homework and personal time (self care is an essential part of being at Seminary). Oh, and sometimes I want to get down to Regina to visit friends and "family".

Somewhere in all of that I am determined to get some thoughts about Ethiopia into a presentation form to take to all of the lovely people who want to know about the trip.... eventually. Not to mention the painting commission I have (which I will attempt to complete in one week during Reading Week).

So, it could all be manageable, in my opinion, if there weren't activity in my brain. The kind of activity that wakes you up at night in a cold sweat for no reason. The kind that makes you question what on God's green earth made you think that this was going to be the right plan for your life. The kind that makes you realize just how old your body is getting because you haven't managed to find the time for proper exercise and nutrition (not to mention the guilt associated with not making the time for either of those). The kind that almost always finds you wandering aimlessly in the void of financial difficulties and "how am I going to get this to work?".

Yes, financial difficulties. A constant in my life forever it would seem. I make light of it, and try to keep it to myself - but somehow, people who care have wrested it from me. Bless them. So, now I can lay it out here.

I returned from Africa to learn, in a formal letter from Canada Student Loans, that I have reached a milestone. By April 2010, I will have reached the maximum amount of study weeks that CSL will cover, in fact they have graciously agreed to give me an extra 10 weeks. They ever so politely informed me that I will not get another red cent from them. It's true - there is a limit. There are many others who didn't know it even existed... I knew, miscalculated, and thought I had another two years of school to go. Oops.

On the plus side: I can't get any more money from them - my debt will remain mostly as it is, as long as I am a student. On the minus side: I can't get any more money from them.

Consequently, I have traveled the route of:
- Anger at myself for taking ten years of education to get to this point
- Resentment for such a stipulation on education
- Resignation to a lot of continued financial woe
- PANIC about the future
- Frustration at a young adult's mistakes that make it impossible for me to get a loan of any kind.
- Attempting to consider a part-time education that will take a likely 8 more years
- Vehemence that the previous option is NOT an option I will entertain
- Recitation of the following: "If God wants me to be in Seminary, God will provide me with the tools I need to continue to be here..."
- A sense of humour that at least I was here in Canada, and not at one of the Masters schools I had previously applied for, when I found out this bit of news.

So what does it cost to be at Seminary? I know some of you readers are making contributions to Seminarians through your churches and various scholarship programs at many Seminaries. I can't make a claim about all Seminaries, but I can tell you what it's costing me.

Tuition (for two semesters): approx. $8000 (that includes 2 of 4 payments for the trip to Africa)
Books: $700/semester (although I have been told this goes down as the years go on)
Residence (Sept - April): approx. $7500
Laundry: $10 - $15/month
Car: $40/month (+$60 every time I travel to Regina and back) (+$60/month for plates)
Phone: $50/month
Groceries and Essentials: $20/month

Really, those are the things that keep me alive. I can't put a price on Entertainment, Clothing, or Recreation because it is really based on what I have left over to spend. I can tell you, however, that despite all my planning - there's not enough money.


Now that I've complained more than I am comfortable with, I have realized that this post is immense. If you're still with me:

Pray with me that God will continue to reveal a path for me. Bless me in the lifting of all my worries and concerns to God, and strengthen me as I devote myself to my studies.

God's peace be with you.