End of Term.

There is a euphoric feeling that comes from knocking an assignment off of the agenda of "Final Assignments for the Term". I revel in that feeling. Especially when I know that there are still some assignments waiting, lurking, around the corner. I like the sense of accomplishment - that I do, in fact, know what I am talking about. I have learned something in the last 11 weeks of study. I also enjoy the feeling that there is still so much *more* that I still have yet to learn. And looming deadlines look a little less frightening. For a little while anyway. Then the dread of "yet another assignment" creeps in, and I'm back to being the stressed out, nervous, tired person that shows up at every end of term period.

End of term is stressful. It was when I was an undergraduate, but it seems that it is more so now. I can't put my finger on it, but the work seems harder, more intense, just more. It could be that because my previous degrees were not really all that "academic" - more practical, hands-on. But I don't think that it's fair to say that I did *less* work then than I am doing now. Workload aside, there is an emotional stress to doing this work that sometimes worries me. Apparently, it worries people around me more. Because my personality changes. And people worry about whether I am no longer "okay," which in reality only serves to make me paranoid about my well-being. Highs are higher, lows are lower - and everyone around me is going through similar changes. But we're all "okay". We're students with a large workload. Stressed out, tired, muddled, but okay.

I've been thinking hard about whether I really want to commit to doing a thesis paper for this degree. I know that the topic I have chosen is something that I am interested in - I do want to find an answer to the questions I have. I don't know if I want to throw myself at the work involved in getting a paper, that large a paper specifically, done in a timely manner. And it's not something I can consider right now - not with the euphoria of completing the last assignment coursing through my veins. Because, right now, I feel like I can accomplish anything I set myself to. But the question hangs there... how committed do I feel to doing that much work?

But, for now, the fun, happy, gleeful feeling of getting that last assignment done can stay a little longer.

Preemptively writing before Friday.

So continues Part II of things going on in my life right now.

Financial troubles of a Seminarian

Lest this be seen as a complaint about my financial circumstances, I would like it to be understood that *I* don't consider the following a complaint, but a telling of a reality of *my* life. I firmly maintain that God has helped me through many financial problems, and that I don't expect God to make them all go away, nor am I mad at God for everything that I have lived through with regard to my financial difficulties. Now that it's clear, we can proceed.

In November last year, right about this time, I received a letter from Student Loans explaining that I had "reached the lifetime maximum for allowable time period of study with regard to a student loans application". In fact, I went over the allowable time by 10 weeks - and they were graciously continuing my loan until the end of my study period last year. Well, that's a nice Christmas present, I thought, And now what do I do about the other three years of school?!

It was further notified to me that, though I had not reached the maximum limit with Saskatchewan Student Loans, I could not apply for loans with them because they have an integrated Loan application with Canada Student Loans, and in no uncertain terms would CSL entertain an application on my part. Woohoo!

Well and good, and with the incredible support from many people and groups my education has been paid for this semester. And I am working to supplement my living expenses. I have proven to myself that I don't need to rely on CSL or SSL for help, and with the help of those around me will continue in my studies.

In September, I diligently sent off the "Proof of Enrolment" that CSL requires to prove that I am in full-time studies and save me from entering repayment status on the loans that I do owe. (I have three separate loans that I have to monitor closely - 1. with RBC from an era when Student Loans was operated through the banks. 2. A Canadian Student Loan from when I was a BC resident. 3. An integrated Canada-Sask Student Loan.) Everything was hunky dory this year because I informed everyone involved in prompt fashion. Or so I thought.

At the beginning of this month, I received a notice from CSL/SSL informing me that because I had reached the lifetime maximum on student loans, I have automatically enterred repayment status (Meaning that payment on the interest would be due at the end of the month). And because I was enrolled in full-time studies, I was not required to make the payments, but that interest would continue to accrue. For those of you who don't know how student loans and interest works: While you are enrolled in full-time studies, your loan is in a kind of interest relief. The loan accumulates no interest while you're in school, but at the end of your study period CSL applies an amount to your loan that is a protracted rate (usually no more than a couple hundred dollars) from the interest relief period. What CSL means by the above letter is that I would not be in the interest relief category at all, and my loans would grow by roughly $400.00 each month while I continued on in my studies!!!

Not happy with that option, and after a little freak out, it was suggested that I call them and ask them how to "fix" this. The option presented to me was to apply for Interest Relief in the Repayment Program, wherein my income, marital status, and number of dependents is examined and assessed as to whether the gov't would cover the interest payments or if I would pay a lower rate while the gov't covered the rest. I don't know the results of that application yet, but was informed after the initial pre-approval that I would surely be covered entirely. Admittedly, the person I was talking to had to speak at length with her supervisor because my situation is apparently *very unique*. I was informed that so long as I don't change my marital status or income level, I would be able to qualify for the Interest Relief for the remainder of my time in school (re-applying every six months). So, I guess it's now "fixed". Thanks to the tax payers of Canada, I have no doubt.

This week, I received a notice from CSL that under a new program initiative they have moved my one student loan from the RBC to their own offices. Not really an issue - the interest rate isn't changing and paperwork ought to get a lot easier. However, RBC has yet to inform me of this change. The account has yet to be removed from my list of accounts. And, I feel strangely violated in terms of the government arbitrarily accessing my bank accounts.

Frankly, I will never again apply for a loan - without incredibly amazing convincing. If I don't have the money to do something, it's just not going to happen. This whole scenario makes me extremely frustrated, cynical, and leaning towards a pragmatism about money.

And angry that it colours my life so. Because I have these loans, I am considered a "high risk" for investors and creditors. In fact, the last banker I spoke with was in awe that I was able to fix as much of my credit history over the last 5 years that I have. I have a friend who tells me that I am not a "credit risk," rather a victim of the Institution of Finance. Additionally, I have a lot of people asking me why I would consider a trip through Seminary when I so obviously can't afford to do it. And what about when I finish? Pastors don't make a lot of money - how are you going to pay back all that you owe?!

The anger seems to grow. And a despair that makes me doubt myself and this call in ways that I didn't think I ever would. Without intending to sound smug or ignorant: I accepted a call to ministry. A time of education and discernment which may result in my becoming a pastor. I have no illusions that it's been an expensive road to journey on. That's been mostly my decision, or bad decision making. I don't see my coming to Seminary as a bad decision. I don't think that I ever will. There is something that I am being called to do, and God will help me get there. The money thing - just one hurdle to get over.

Yet from another side: maybe I should look into getting a lawyer. Or declare bankruptcy.
That one in particular bothers me. I don't really see that as an option. I am dedicated to paying back my loans. The lawyer suggestion is curious to me. I don't know that there is anything that a lawyer can do in this scenario. Also, I don't have the money to pay a lawyer for their services rendered.

So, there you have it. Financial stressor to the max, I'm sure. And I thank God that I have the support of so many in my decision to continue to be at Seminary - you have all helped me understand the communal dedication to those who answer a call like this one.

An interruption in the hectic pace.

Day by day, your mercies, Lord, attend me, bringing comfort to my anxious soul.
Day by day, the blessings, Lord, you send me draw me nearer to my heav'nly goal. love divine, beyond all mortal measure, brings to naught the burdens of my quest.
Savior, lead me to the home I treasure, where at last I'll find eternal rest.
Day by day, I know you will provide me strength to serve and wisdom to obey; I will seek your loving will to guide me o'er the paths I struggle day by day.
I will fear no evil of the morrow, I will trust in your enduring grace.
Savior, help me bear life's sorrow till in glory I behold your face.
Oh, what Joy to know that you are near me when my burdens grow to great to bear; oh what joy to know that you will hear me when I come, O Lord, to you in prayer.
Day by day, no matter what betide me, you will hold me ever in your hand.
Savior, with your presence here to guide me, I will reach at last the promised land.
Karolina W. Sandell-Berg

Well, that was easy.

Sitting in front of the computer, catching up on email, facebook postings, and daily comics. Not really wanting to work on the number of assignments that will shortly be coming due. What I need is a diversion.... and here it is.

It occurs to me that I don't particularly want to share another sermon with you today. There have been a number of things going on in my life that seem to be more important. This is supposed to be about me relating to you my life in seminary. And although, sermons and classes are all about seminary - they aren't necessarily about my life. So how is my life lately? Other than devoted to seminary?

Well, let's start with family:

My father was diagnosed with Diabetes last year (a fairly mild form, for diabetes, where he can self-monitor) and this year at his routine checkup in the fall, his glucose was somewhere around 27! They've given him medication to keep it down now (he refused the proposal of insulin) and he now watches his diet more closely. Which in fact means that my mother does. She told me that he's complaining about always being hungry because he had to give up his bread and finger desserts. Interesting man.

The reason I'm sharing this is because I find myself being more concerned recently with my parents. Perhaps it's because I've had a mental shift from recently celebrating my thirtieth birthday, perhaps I'm just weird enough that way. It could be something more. However, I think that I really miss them. I miss talking to my Mum and laughing with my Dad. I really miss spending time with them - as much as they drive me crazy. I miss their support because they aren't here with me. That's funny to me because they haven't been with me for the last 10 years. I've been here, they've been there or way-over-there, and life has trundled on.

My grandmother started her battle against cancer two years ago. It was colon cancer (which was surgically removed) and then it was liver cancer. After chemo treatments (to which she'd had practically no reaction to) and a lot of prayer from loved ones around the world - something happened. The liver cancer isn't liver cancer. It's colon cancer on her liver. And there's nothing that they can do about it. Very surprising and disappointing to a lot of people. There is nothing that they will do about it until she's in pain.

The reason I share this with you is because of a conversation I had with my Mum the other weekend. I was deliberating the necessity of "going home" for a visit. Admittedly, there's a part of me that's already mourning my grandmother. I don't like that. But, I realized that most of the people in my family have died from long, drawn out, illnesses or diseases. I am really just preparing myself. So the visit idea comes from the reality that I am the really busy person who happens to live far away. And my mother is encouraging me to continue that because even the people who see Grandma every day have no way of knowing when she's going to die. And she's pretty darn healthy right now. My response: I don't want this to be like it was with Granddad. (Wow! Where did that come from?!) My grandfather had Alzheimer's. And I saw him once a year through the last 4 years of his life. And each time was harder and harder because the man I knew and loved was no longer there. But the man who loved my grandmother was. The last thing my grandfather ever said to me was when Grandma and I had gone for a quick visit to trim his mustache and shave him. While Grandma was getting him ready and re-introducing me to him, I was sitting on his bed watching the loving way Grandma was getting him ready. And he looked at me with delight and awe in his eyes, a smile on his face, and said in a hushed whisper:
"Beautiful, you're just beautiful." And then that look was gone. A flash in time. A mere moment. And that's how I remember him.

I wasn't there when he died. I wasn't there when my brother-in-law died either (I was getting ready to come to Seminary, and was told that I shouldn't go). I don't take issue with death. I know that it's a natural process and end to life on earth. I guess there's guilt that I've never been there when family has died. And maybe that's why I want to be there when Grandma reaches the end of hers. Who knows when it will be. But I have been thinking about it a lot. And this takes me back to my parents.

My family's a little odd - we're an exemplary version of a truly blended family. And I love it! This in truth has shown that we have had at least one member of our family in every decade as we age. We are currently in a time now where we don't have someone born between 2000-2010. Which is a little pity -- I did like that trait. However, my grandmother is at the head of the decades. While I am sure that there are other relatives there with her, they are not known to me such that I would include them in my immediate family. Here's the thing: my father's next. What a strange realization. I've have reached an age where my parents are becoming the last generation. How utterly weird. I think, maybe, that's why I am longing to spend more time with them. I'm not sure. But I have been thinking about it a lot.