Odd and Occasionally Rndom Thoughts.

I am at the end of another semester - mostly. I have one paper left to write, and I feel no compulsion to do it. I know that it needs to get done, and it will - just not right this moment. And that's okay.

I had an interesting conversation with a dear friend yesterday wherein we discussed the pre-Christmas period of stress, grief, and loneliness. We've both been feeling it to one degree or another, and I've found it a little hard to get "excited" about Christmas this year.

I have a couple of friends coming up to Saskatoon on Christmas Eve, and just after they leave - another will arrive for a little longer. I am looking forward to these visits. And, as you can all imagine, planning a food feast! This is the person I have missed this season.

A lot of my friends have or are having babies. I love babies. I love coos and giggles, the nonsensical 'ba-ba-ba-ba' noises they make, the cuddles that calm them down, and the peaceful sleeping faces. And it gets me thinking about having children (even with all the poop, spit up, vomit, crying, wailing, screaming, etc). Obviously not in the immediate plans, but it gets me thinking about how to be a professional and raise healthy children.

I really like men's facial hair. And I find grey hair particularly sexy. Is there something wrong with that? I often wonder, in a Freudian way, if it's somehow related to my father always having been grey during my lifetime.

What do I do with all the stuff that in Saskatoon while I go to do CPE? Where the Eff am I going to store a queen size bed?! How am I going to move EVERYTHING to the internship site? The obvious answer is a moving truck, but I can't really afford a company (especially if it's a multiple province move) and if I drive one myself - how do I drive the Jeep too?!

Why can't Student Loans get their proverbial 'poop in a scoop'?! It's looking more and more like I'm going to have to start the Interest Relief application all over again in January - which means that November and December's interest amounts get added to the debt. What I wouldn't give for a healthy and creative way to deal with this situation because I'm starting to feel like I'm just better off accepting their initial decision to defer all payments until November 2011 (and let the damned monthly interest charges accrue)!

Which brings to mind another thought: Why is it that I can't seem to find a life that balances everything to make me a healthy person? I'm relatively happy, I'm losing weight without too much effort (and let me tell you, that's an incredible feeling), I'm doing well at school, I'm managing to cover my daily expenses and monthly payments on everything that *I* had foreseen I would have to pay. Just two or three minor things that aren't at the same level, and consequently make everything else less "good". Oh, the lessons I'm learning.

Bought a book that I LOVE! It's called: 'It's a Book' - and I think there are many people who would love this simple little book. TOO Funny.

On the subject of weight: why is the top half of me shrinking faster than the lower? And why, this time, are the breasts getting smaller rather than larger? (Note: I know it's not normal for the chest to get larger, but that's what's always happened when I've lost weight - and it's disconcerting that it's not happening this time.)

I resent that all the Christmas stuff I have is in storage right now. And the picture albums. And my art. I try not to, but the mind is counting down the time until I can have all of "me" in one place at the same time.

According to the CBC, people spend 78% more on themselves at Christmas time than they do on other people. How twisted is that?!

I want to be a bird. I have always wanted to be a bird. I don't know why. I often dream of running and flapping my arms to take flight. And it's a constant effort to stay up in the air. I always slowly and gently fall towards the ground, but a flap of the arms takes me up a little again. It's like swimming in the air. I really want to know what that's about.

I feel much better getting that all out of the mind. Clutter removed - and now to clean the apartment. (I swear it's not paper-avoidance)

Wishing you all a wonderful and blessed Christmas time! See you in the New Year!

End of Term.

There is a euphoric feeling that comes from knocking an assignment off of the agenda of "Final Assignments for the Term". I revel in that feeling. Especially when I know that there are still some assignments waiting, lurking, around the corner. I like the sense of accomplishment - that I do, in fact, know what I am talking about. I have learned something in the last 11 weeks of study. I also enjoy the feeling that there is still so much *more* that I still have yet to learn. And looming deadlines look a little less frightening. For a little while anyway. Then the dread of "yet another assignment" creeps in, and I'm back to being the stressed out, nervous, tired person that shows up at every end of term period.

End of term is stressful. It was when I was an undergraduate, but it seems that it is more so now. I can't put my finger on it, but the work seems harder, more intense, just more. It could be that because my previous degrees were not really all that "academic" - more practical, hands-on. But I don't think that it's fair to say that I did *less* work then than I am doing now. Workload aside, there is an emotional stress to doing this work that sometimes worries me. Apparently, it worries people around me more. Because my personality changes. And people worry about whether I am no longer "okay," which in reality only serves to make me paranoid about my well-being. Highs are higher, lows are lower - and everyone around me is going through similar changes. But we're all "okay". We're students with a large workload. Stressed out, tired, muddled, but okay.

I've been thinking hard about whether I really want to commit to doing a thesis paper for this degree. I know that the topic I have chosen is something that I am interested in - I do want to find an answer to the questions I have. I don't know if I want to throw myself at the work involved in getting a paper, that large a paper specifically, done in a timely manner. And it's not something I can consider right now - not with the euphoria of completing the last assignment coursing through my veins. Because, right now, I feel like I can accomplish anything I set myself to. But the question hangs there... how committed do I feel to doing that much work?

But, for now, the fun, happy, gleeful feeling of getting that last assignment done can stay a little longer.

Preemptively writing before Friday.

So continues Part II of things going on in my life right now.

Financial troubles of a Seminarian

Lest this be seen as a complaint about my financial circumstances, I would like it to be understood that *I* don't consider the following a complaint, but a telling of a reality of *my* life. I firmly maintain that God has helped me through many financial problems, and that I don't expect God to make them all go away, nor am I mad at God for everything that I have lived through with regard to my financial difficulties. Now that it's clear, we can proceed.

In November last year, right about this time, I received a letter from Student Loans explaining that I had "reached the lifetime maximum for allowable time period of study with regard to a student loans application". In fact, I went over the allowable time by 10 weeks - and they were graciously continuing my loan until the end of my study period last year. Well, that's a nice Christmas present, I thought, And now what do I do about the other three years of school?!

It was further notified to me that, though I had not reached the maximum limit with Saskatchewan Student Loans, I could not apply for loans with them because they have an integrated Loan application with Canada Student Loans, and in no uncertain terms would CSL entertain an application on my part. Woohoo!

Well and good, and with the incredible support from many people and groups my education has been paid for this semester. And I am working to supplement my living expenses. I have proven to myself that I don't need to rely on CSL or SSL for help, and with the help of those around me will continue in my studies.

In September, I diligently sent off the "Proof of Enrolment" that CSL requires to prove that I am in full-time studies and save me from entering repayment status on the loans that I do owe. (I have three separate loans that I have to monitor closely - 1. with RBC from an era when Student Loans was operated through the banks. 2. A Canadian Student Loan from when I was a BC resident. 3. An integrated Canada-Sask Student Loan.) Everything was hunky dory this year because I informed everyone involved in prompt fashion. Or so I thought.

At the beginning of this month, I received a notice from CSL/SSL informing me that because I had reached the lifetime maximum on student loans, I have automatically enterred repayment status (Meaning that payment on the interest would be due at the end of the month). And because I was enrolled in full-time studies, I was not required to make the payments, but that interest would continue to accrue. For those of you who don't know how student loans and interest works: While you are enrolled in full-time studies, your loan is in a kind of interest relief. The loan accumulates no interest while you're in school, but at the end of your study period CSL applies an amount to your loan that is a protracted rate (usually no more than a couple hundred dollars) from the interest relief period. What CSL means by the above letter is that I would not be in the interest relief category at all, and my loans would grow by roughly $400.00 each month while I continued on in my studies!!!

Not happy with that option, and after a little freak out, it was suggested that I call them and ask them how to "fix" this. The option presented to me was to apply for Interest Relief in the Repayment Program, wherein my income, marital status, and number of dependents is examined and assessed as to whether the gov't would cover the interest payments or if I would pay a lower rate while the gov't covered the rest. I don't know the results of that application yet, but was informed after the initial pre-approval that I would surely be covered entirely. Admittedly, the person I was talking to had to speak at length with her supervisor because my situation is apparently *very unique*. I was informed that so long as I don't change my marital status or income level, I would be able to qualify for the Interest Relief for the remainder of my time in school (re-applying every six months). So, I guess it's now "fixed". Thanks to the tax payers of Canada, I have no doubt.

This week, I received a notice from CSL that under a new program initiative they have moved my one student loan from the RBC to their own offices. Not really an issue - the interest rate isn't changing and paperwork ought to get a lot easier. However, RBC has yet to inform me of this change. The account has yet to be removed from my list of accounts. And, I feel strangely violated in terms of the government arbitrarily accessing my bank accounts.

Frankly, I will never again apply for a loan - without incredibly amazing convincing. If I don't have the money to do something, it's just not going to happen. This whole scenario makes me extremely frustrated, cynical, and leaning towards a pragmatism about money.

And angry that it colours my life so. Because I have these loans, I am considered a "high risk" for investors and creditors. In fact, the last banker I spoke with was in awe that I was able to fix as much of my credit history over the last 5 years that I have. I have a friend who tells me that I am not a "credit risk," rather a victim of the Institution of Finance. Additionally, I have a lot of people asking me why I would consider a trip through Seminary when I so obviously can't afford to do it. And what about when I finish? Pastors don't make a lot of money - how are you going to pay back all that you owe?!

The anger seems to grow. And a despair that makes me doubt myself and this call in ways that I didn't think I ever would. Without intending to sound smug or ignorant: I accepted a call to ministry. A time of education and discernment which may result in my becoming a pastor. I have no illusions that it's been an expensive road to journey on. That's been mostly my decision, or bad decision making. I don't see my coming to Seminary as a bad decision. I don't think that I ever will. There is something that I am being called to do, and God will help me get there. The money thing - just one hurdle to get over.

Yet from another side: maybe I should look into getting a lawyer. Or declare bankruptcy.
That one in particular bothers me. I don't really see that as an option. I am dedicated to paying back my loans. The lawyer suggestion is curious to me. I don't know that there is anything that a lawyer can do in this scenario. Also, I don't have the money to pay a lawyer for their services rendered.

So, there you have it. Financial stressor to the max, I'm sure. And I thank God that I have the support of so many in my decision to continue to be at Seminary - you have all helped me understand the communal dedication to those who answer a call like this one.

An interruption in the hectic pace.

Day by day, your mercies, Lord, attend me, bringing comfort to my anxious soul.
Day by day, the blessings, Lord, you send me draw me nearer to my heav'nly goal. love divine, beyond all mortal measure, brings to naught the burdens of my quest.
Savior, lead me to the home I treasure, where at last I'll find eternal rest.
Day by day, I know you will provide me strength to serve and wisdom to obey; I will seek your loving will to guide me o'er the paths I struggle day by day.
I will fear no evil of the morrow, I will trust in your enduring grace.
Savior, help me bear life's sorrow till in glory I behold your face.
Oh, what Joy to know that you are near me when my burdens grow to great to bear; oh what joy to know that you will hear me when I come, O Lord, to you in prayer.
Day by day, no matter what betide me, you will hold me ever in your hand.
Savior, with your presence here to guide me, I will reach at last the promised land.
Karolina W. Sandell-Berg

Well, that was easy.

Sitting in front of the computer, catching up on email, facebook postings, and daily comics. Not really wanting to work on the number of assignments that will shortly be coming due. What I need is a diversion.... and here it is.

It occurs to me that I don't particularly want to share another sermon with you today. There have been a number of things going on in my life that seem to be more important. This is supposed to be about me relating to you my life in seminary. And although, sermons and classes are all about seminary - they aren't necessarily about my life. So how is my life lately? Other than devoted to seminary?

Well, let's start with family:

My father was diagnosed with Diabetes last year (a fairly mild form, for diabetes, where he can self-monitor) and this year at his routine checkup in the fall, his glucose was somewhere around 27! They've given him medication to keep it down now (he refused the proposal of insulin) and he now watches his diet more closely. Which in fact means that my mother does. She told me that he's complaining about always being hungry because he had to give up his bread and finger desserts. Interesting man.

The reason I'm sharing this is because I find myself being more concerned recently with my parents. Perhaps it's because I've had a mental shift from recently celebrating my thirtieth birthday, perhaps I'm just weird enough that way. It could be something more. However, I think that I really miss them. I miss talking to my Mum and laughing with my Dad. I really miss spending time with them - as much as they drive me crazy. I miss their support because they aren't here with me. That's funny to me because they haven't been with me for the last 10 years. I've been here, they've been there or way-over-there, and life has trundled on.

My grandmother started her battle against cancer two years ago. It was colon cancer (which was surgically removed) and then it was liver cancer. After chemo treatments (to which she'd had practically no reaction to) and a lot of prayer from loved ones around the world - something happened. The liver cancer isn't liver cancer. It's colon cancer on her liver. And there's nothing that they can do about it. Very surprising and disappointing to a lot of people. There is nothing that they will do about it until she's in pain.

The reason I share this with you is because of a conversation I had with my Mum the other weekend. I was deliberating the necessity of "going home" for a visit. Admittedly, there's a part of me that's already mourning my grandmother. I don't like that. But, I realized that most of the people in my family have died from long, drawn out, illnesses or diseases. I am really just preparing myself. So the visit idea comes from the reality that I am the really busy person who happens to live far away. And my mother is encouraging me to continue that because even the people who see Grandma every day have no way of knowing when she's going to die. And she's pretty darn healthy right now. My response: I don't want this to be like it was with Granddad. (Wow! Where did that come from?!) My grandfather had Alzheimer's. And I saw him once a year through the last 4 years of his life. And each time was harder and harder because the man I knew and loved was no longer there. But the man who loved my grandmother was. The last thing my grandfather ever said to me was when Grandma and I had gone for a quick visit to trim his mustache and shave him. While Grandma was getting him ready and re-introducing me to him, I was sitting on his bed watching the loving way Grandma was getting him ready. And he looked at me with delight and awe in his eyes, a smile on his face, and said in a hushed whisper:
"Beautiful, you're just beautiful." And then that look was gone. A flash in time. A mere moment. And that's how I remember him.

I wasn't there when he died. I wasn't there when my brother-in-law died either (I was getting ready to come to Seminary, and was told that I shouldn't go). I don't take issue with death. I know that it's a natural process and end to life on earth. I guess there's guilt that I've never been there when family has died. And maybe that's why I want to be there when Grandma reaches the end of hers. Who knows when it will be. But I have been thinking about it a lot. And this takes me back to my parents.

My family's a little odd - we're an exemplary version of a truly blended family. And I love it! This in truth has shown that we have had at least one member of our family in every decade as we age. We are currently in a time now where we don't have someone born between 2000-2010. Which is a little pity -- I did like that trait. However, my grandmother is at the head of the decades. While I am sure that there are other relatives there with her, they are not known to me such that I would include them in my immediate family. Here's the thing: my father's next. What a strange realization. I've have reached an age where my parents are becoming the last generation. How utterly weird. I think, maybe, that's why I am longing to spend more time with them. I'm not sure. But I have been thinking about it a lot.

Sermon #2

As promised:

This sermon was done for Trinity in August.

Deal, or No Deal! How many of you are familiar with this show? For those of you who don’t know, this is a game show where a contestant is presented with 26 briefcases with monetary amounts in them from one dollar to a million dollars. They are to pick one of them with the hopes that it contains the one million dollars. That case is put aside and then the contestant is asked to ask one of the ladies holding the cases to open their case, exposing the amount of money contained within. It is a sort of elimination round – as the cases are opened, that monetary prize is eliminated. There is a person watching this and will make an offer to purchase the original case from the contestant based on which prizes remain and how likely it is that the contestant holds the million dollar case. Each round presents with eliminations and an offer. At the end of each offer, Howie Mandel, the host, says: “Deal or no Deal!” to the contestant and they have a choice to make. Should they accept the offer and potentially profit over what their case contains or should they refuse and try to find that million dollars, or stick with the case that they originally chose. The game is one of tension and greed. Often times people choose to go with their case and lose money they could have had, and sometimes people choose to go with the offer and walk away happy that they won something – if not the million dollars. It is interesting to see how people will reason out their decisions about money – especially where chance is involved.

We often see this behaviour when it comes to games of chance and money. People in the world are often willing to make a deal, or bargain for something better. We even hear of this behaviour with God. People sometimes pray saying: “God, if you could do this for me, I will do something that I think is equal in value for you.” Have you ever prayed like that? Why is it that people seem to want more than what they have? Why is it that we have turned life into a game of Deal or no Deal where we compete to keep up with our co-workers, our neighbours, or even the people we see on tv?

Our gospel lesson today opens with a man asking Jesus to command his brother to split the family wealth for his gain. Jesus takes this opportunity to teach a valuable lesson. First he warns about calling on people of authority to solve any problem that requires an authority. There are people with gifts and talents who have been called to the roles of judge and arbitrator – Jesus is neither of these. But perhaps more importantly, Jesus speaks to another issue.

Jesus speaks about greed. We may have a tendency to think of greed as merely trying to accumulate more money, more possessions, more food, just more and then some more on top of that. Greed is not only about accumulation, it is also about the ability to give away and it is about our sense of security and comfort. Jesus says all kinds of greed. A simple search in a dictionary revealed dozens of words associated with greed: acquisition, avarice, gluttony, materialism, self-indulgence, yearning, and a word we know from other places in the bible: coveting. In fact there are new words being created to describe greed. Pleonexia is a new word to describe the abnormal contemporary conditions of greed. Is described as more serious than greed: “Pleonexia is a heightened and unhealthy condition, as anorexia is the pathological extremity of a brand of asceticism. There is need, then there is desire, then there is greed, and then there is pleonexia.” Apparently the word greed is tough, but we have both the need to diminish it by dividing up the kinds of greed there are in the world and the need to say that greed isn’t that bad, but pleonexia – that means there’s a problem.

It can be easy to be heavy handed when talking about greed. Further on in Luke past today’s reading, Jesus speaks about what the disciples are to do to avoid falling victim to greed… and it can read as a list of systematically getting rid of everything that you might possibly own for a life of complete reliance on God to provide as the moments of life pass by. I imagine that complete and utter dependence on God to provide could be a terribly hard life to live, but Jesus does not mean to be taken literally. Here, in this lesson, Jesus explains what our greed leads to and why we are to be aware of it:

“Life does not consist of an abundance of possessions”: there is no freedom in “stuff”. What you accumulate you then have to care for, look after, worry about, and protect. When I was a child, my brother and I desperately wanted a puppy. We wanted our parents to get us a puppy, we drew pictures of puppies to put on the fridge and in the workshop so they were aware that our “greatest desire” was there for them to see. Finally, after what seemed like ages (and was probably closer to a couple of weeks) we were going to get a puppy. But there were some particulars to sort out. My brother and I were to pay for the puppy with equal portion of our savings. We were to walk, feed, and clean up after the puppy. The puppy was ours in every way. It was to be a great responsibility. Shortly after we got that puppy, there were many times when we didn’t want to have a puppy anymore. It was inconvenient, annoying, seemingly always hungry.. and then always having to go outside. We didn’t have a fenced yard so you had to go out with the puppy because it might run away and we had to clean up after it immediately lest we step in “something” when we were later running around in the yard.

It can feel as though you have become a slave to all of the things that you have collected as they require more and more of your time and presence. Some things we insure to protect ourselves from loss, some things we lock up in safe places so that nothing can happen to them. We want to feel reassured by the stuff in our lives, and are often left feeling burdened and worried about that very stuff. But sometimes we don’t feel that way. Sometimes we want to spend time with all of those acquisitions – that’s why we got them in the first place. There is a sense of accomplishment, wealth, comfort, and security knowing that we have. We have, we don’t need. And we did it. And yet, one person’s treasure often turns out to being another person’s trash.

However, Jesus isn’t speaking merely of the accumulation of things. In his parable, the rich man is merely looking to look after his abundance. His land produced well and he seeks to protect that wealth. And he invests time and energy into planning for safekeeping in the future so he can be comforted, relaxed and enjoy the rest of his life. And God comes into this picture and tells him that he is going to die and all that he has planned is for nothing because it will be for no one else.

“So it is with those who store up treasures for themselves but are not rich towards God.” God wants us to be aware of our lives and those around us. God wants us to have the freedom to see the world. And God wants us to share everything in our lives with those around us, and in so doing, become rich towards God. Our desire to be God’s people, to live lives shaped by Christ opens our eyes and provides a freedom from greed that can leave us blind and indifferent to the world, and turn us from a worship of God to a worship of wealth and accumulation. That is the bondage that Jesus speaks to free us from.

So how does being rich towards God change us and change the world? The life of a Christian is one of freedom from bondage – we are free to share the earthly treasures with those around us because we are freed from the desire to keep everything for ourselves. We can come to realize that it’s not really ours in the first place. Everything belongs to God. And all that we have is a gift from God. Through our baptism we die to sin, we die to earthly temptations and to earthly treasure. When we are baptized we are filled with God and all that is glorious in heaven. We are told to therefore put aside our earthly bindings and to embrace a new self that is not bound and tied to the earth, to sin, or to greed. We are washed clean by the waters of baptism, we are clothed in a new self, we are renewed and filled with Christ, who is all in all. Thanks be to God. Amen.

Time is flying by.

I've been having a couple of conversations today which revolve around this feeling of incredulity - being uncomfortable because I am not comfortable. Every now and again, in class, a thought passes through my mind: Can you believe that you are really here and all the people around you are discussing the Bible, theology, and their opinions on Lutheranism?! And then I realize that I have a comment to make in the current discussion. So, I make said comment. And my brain comes back deep in thought: This is totally surreal! How lucky you are to be here. So, surreal it doesn't feel real sometimes. I think that the problem was summed up by a good friend of mine: I am a work-in-progress (I have felt this way the last 1o years), and there's a part of me that thinks that maybe I should be completed by now. Shouldn't I? Something to come to terms with this month, maybe.

I have thought that some of you might like to read some of my sermons. I had a friend who used to do this on LiveJournal, and I really appreciated it. So I am going to catch up on the backlog, and when I write a new one, I will share it with all of you.

This first sermon (my first sermon EVER) was preached in April last year. It was for Chapel worship, and in front of all my peers. I apologize for its length -- still had to learn how much to preach and for how long. It was written with a close friend in mind, and she tells me that she appreciated it. The thing I found interesting was how many other people said that they found something in it for them. The Holy Spirit is awesome indeed.

The text: John 21: 1-19

Let us pray: Come Holy Spirit, inspire our souls and minds. Amen.

Here we are: nearing full circle. The disciples are processing what has happened – most likely spending a lot of time in silence together as they all ruminate on how the events surrounding Jesus are affecting them. Just previous to today’s gospel message Jesus appeared before the disciples and gave them peace. More than that, Jesus told the disciples that he was sending them out with the Holy Spirit – to be messengers of the news of God’s promise. Jesus appeared again a week later to show Thomas that he was indeed risen – and to teach them all that there will be many that will come to know Jesus and never see him, and those people will be blessed. We will be blessed – what good news, what great news!

And yet, here we are, back in a boat. The disciples apparently still needed some time to figure out what had just happened. They’re back in a boat, left in thought, ruminating on what’s happened. Simon Peter may be thinking about what happened when Jesus was arrested – how he denied Jesus three times. Three times Peter asserted that he was no friend of Jesus. And not having a way to talk to Jesus about what he’d done - Peter makes himself busy – he goes fishing. Out there on the water, obviously not catching any fish at all, Peter might be thinking about how he came to know Jesus, and the life he had as a follower of Jesus. And the thoughts are all building up in his head, thrumming and buzzing around as he falls deeper and deeper into his own thoughts.

In the morning, out there on the water, still no evidence of those darn fish that they had set out to catch, the disciples are lost in thought. And a man on the shore calls out to them to inquire about the fish. I imagine that the shortness of their answer may be part irritation about the disturbance and the lack of fish, but part shock of being called out of their thoughts. And the kooky guy on the shore tells them to recast their nets – there will be fish, he says – so why not, what’s one more cast in light of a less than productive night? Don’t you know it, they get a catch – quite a catch. And dawning slowly spreads from disciple to disciple. John says to Peter: that’s Jesus! And eager student, disciple, believer that Peter is, launches himself overboard and makes a straight line for Jesus – leaving the others to deal with the catch of fish. Jesus calmly deals with the excitement and ruckus by inviting the disciples to a breakfast of fish and bread. He centres them and calls them to a meal.

They had gone back to their responsibilities and are thinking about everything that still needs to get done – what they need to be doing, but haven’t started yet. They have spent the night on the lake, looking for fish. And hadn’t caught any. Jesus invites them back, shares a meal with them – a meal that might get them thinking again about their lives in their journeys with Jesus: being called from fishermen to fishers of men, feeding the many with fish and bread, sharing a particularly significant meal with Jesus before his death. This breakfast meal on the beach is slowly refocusing their minds to the world.

Then, sitting on the beach, mulling the significance of the last couple of years over in his mind, Simon Peter is stopped short. Jesus asks: Do you love me? Pardon, what? Yes, Jesus, I love you. You know that. “Feed my lambs.” Then maybe Peter’s overactive and tired mind thrums loudly, multiple thoughts all at once: Jesus has said he was a shepherd before, wasn’t he a carpenter’s son? Well, I know now that he’s the Son of God. What’s he getting at? Who are the sheep? How am I supposed to feed them? Does this go back to the fish? What does this have to do with fish? I like fish. And on and on. Jesus stops him. “Peter, do you love me?” What? Well yeah. You know I love you. “Tend my sheep.” Weird statement, must be a parable… Ooo-kay… and Peter’s mind starts going again, thought after thought all coming at once, trying to puzzle out what it is that Jesus is getting at. Thrum, thrum, thrumming louder and louder, drowning out the reality of what’s happening before him. Jesus stops Peter yet again. “Peter, do you love me?” Irritation bubbling up over the thrumming of his active mind, indignation that Jesus hasn’t got it yet. I said I love you – isn’t that good enough? But Peter gets through that, “Lord, you know everything. You know I love you.” And Jesus responds: “Feed my sheep”. And dawning descends on Peter – in that somewhat cryptic, somewhat one-sided conversation everything comes together and he gets it. It’s about thoughts and action.

The funny thing about thoughts is that thoughts have a way of taking over our being and doing. For most people in the world every year has a ‘hiccup’ moment where life and all of its responsibilities pile up. Everyone may feel overwhelmed at some point as they consider their ‘to-do’ lists of things that have to get done by deadline after deadline. Eventually all of those deadlines seem to be at the same time and every task falls onto another then another. We can get to a point where we are thinking hard about all of the things that need to get done, and we find that we are thinking more and more about that seemingly never shrinking “to-do” list, our pulses start to go faster and faster as our anxiety climbs higher and higher. Our brains start thrumming from all of the blood flowing while we are thinking and processing what we are doing and what we need to do. Thrum, thrum, thrumming – getting stronger and stronger and stronger still, and our ears switch to hearing only that racing, beating, thrumming. Perhaps it’s happening now as I talk about it. Our entire body hears only that thrumming. We can’t hear God gently prompting us, we can’t hear God in the world - we reach a point of only hearing our thoughts, ourselves drowning out the world, turning inward to our perceived failures or about to be failures. That dialogue is going on and on in our heads and God appears before us and calls us: refocusing us to what’s really going on around us, shocking us back into the world. Jesus comes before us through the symbols of a meal – refocusing us on God.

Simon Peter had that tangible signal about his focus, or lack thereof. Jesus appeared three times, spoke, called him to attention. Jesus sat him down to a meal. We may not get that tangible signal as Jesus stands near the lakes of our heavy thoughts, but that doesn’t mean that God isn’t there calling us to attention. We are called out of our tangled web of in-turned thought and sent out with a life-giving Christ. We are called to come to the table, to share in a meal. This bread and this wine are symbols of the love of God. Jesus is amongst us, as with the disciples, feasting with us - breaking us from our inner conflicts, our doubts and worries, our ruminations on the past. And we are doing this all together. We are invited to celebrate that love together – together with Jesus and with each other. Then dawning slowly passes from person to person. We are a community eating and drinking together – we are all here to be with Jesus, to be with God and to feel the love of God. We are here to say: Yes, God, we love you. You know that we love you. Through that meal it slowly creeps into our thoughts that everyone here at this table loves God, loves us, and we love them. And that thought gets bigger and goes further to encompass the church and the world. God is calling us to be at this meal and to see that in caring for and loving the people around us we are amplifying our love of God and God’s love for all of us. God is growing love abundantly to encompass the whole world. Our thoughts are retuned to love in Jesus through the action of a meal.

Peter gets it. Peter is on the beach with Jesus, and he knows that what Jesus is asking is not a commandment in the sense that this will be Peter’s responsibility, something to add to his “to-do” list, or even something that will become his new “to-do” list: Feed lambs – check, Tend sheep – check, Feed sheep – check! Peter is being invited into the love of God, absolving, forgiving, refocusing love that will reflect the love of God amplified back at Peter through sharing that love with the world. Jesus is refocusing the disciples to a previously stated commandment. Love others as I have loved you, go and share that good news. Refocus the world through a meal, through care, through love. So too, as we love Jesus, we will be prompted to action, to care for all the Jesus we see in everyone else, that we have seen in everyone else. We are tending each other and the world because we love. We are not ignoring what’s going on in our heads, but refocusing on the life around us so that what’s going in our heads doesn’t dominate us and pull us into ourselves, slowly blocking out the world around us. We are refocusing our throbbing ears and inner thoughts to those present before us. We get to encounter Jesus in a meal, in one another as we gather as community, and are called out of the thrumming pulse of our own lives, existing in the absolving, forgiving, refocusing love that is in our life. We are sent back out into the world to share that good news, encountering the love of God through the thoughts and action of tending the sheep as we have been tended. Amen.

A monthly time to do specific things seems to be the way of my life of late. Every bill is due monthly; I got to the pool once this month (not much of an exercise regimen, I will admit); I sit down to write a letter to a friend monthly; I manage to get to this blog every month, and so the list goes.

If only homework were monthly!

Silly me, I planned to take on some class work earlier this semester in order to alleviate my end of semester crunch and consequent illness from working too hard. So I've signed up and, sad to say, I'm already sick. Have been for the last two weeks. It seems to be the same cold that is affecting everyone this month, and I've not heard encouraging news about it passing any time soon. Arhg! At least I have this new Neti Pot thing. Seems to work best when I can remember to actually do it.

So a month in (realistically, it's more like a couple of weeks), how are things going? I'm beginning to wonder what the heck I was thinking. For Heaven's sake, it didn't seem like a lot when I wrote it all down so neatly before. Apparently I was the only one who thought this however, as it seems that daily I am asked: "So how are all the new responsibilities going?" I admit to appreciating the concern people are showing, but I honestly don't feel like I'm taking on more this year than I did last year. I imagine that the difference this year is that I actually have titles behind everything that I am doing. (I would like to point out that I had titles for everything I did last year too -- but this is becoming an object lesson on how certain responsibilities are seen as less significant than others -- I, myself, am coming to terms with my own tendencies to not acknowledge and thank people for whatever they are able to contribute.)

Are you at all interested in a two-week summary of what the courses that I previously named actually entail? Sure you are.

Lutheran Confessions
Specifically looking at the Book of Concord and how all of the Lutheran confessions bring something to bear on this theological position called Lutheranism. So far we have read the Preface, the Creeds, and the Small Catechism. Next week: Large Catechism. One of my colleagues and I were talking today about how useful this class is, but more importantly, how much better it is understood having taken Theology I and II last year. I can actually conceptualize why things were written the way they were and why. And here I admit that those classes were useful. :)

Galatians
Being taught this year by a recent graduate accepting a two year term at LTS/ESC, Galatians is just that -- a study of the book of Galatians, admittedly not one of Paul's nicest letters. We are systematically going through the book, section by section. There are some of us who have taken Greek as a language (and I thank God for them every day because I certainly don't intend to take on that particular grammar nightmare) who are required to do some in-depth translation (and will be tested on this at some point in the semester). I get this pleasure next semester with Hebrew when I take on Isaiah!!!

Introduction to Pastoral Care
Probably one of my favorite classes so far. It's particularly affirming to learn that I am capable of being "pastoral". Pastoral care, for those of you who don't know the term, is when the pastor is listening to you, visiting with you, helping people (on their own or in a group) face the concerns of their lives. One of the professor's statements seems to be: "A congregation is extremely forgiving. You can mess up the liturgy, you can preach a tepid sermon, you can muddle your way through a baptism or a wedding. All will be forgiven. However, you may as well pack your bags and go if you can't give a funeral the respect it deserves -- especially if that person was special to that same congregation." She, of course, says it much better than that - and it emphasizes to me the attention to care that the vocation requires.

The Self
One of those classes that is apparently in place to make you question why you decided to do a master's degree. I kid. Honestly, this is as philosophical as you think it might be. We are discovering the theological implications to the philosophical insights of personhood and selfhood. Sounds fun, right? So far, it's been a lot to digest and process, but I think that it will be incredibly useful in the long run -- if I can manage to get all the papers done!

God's Secretaries: Women's Devotional Literature
A really long title for a really, really cool course. The brainchild to develop out of a suggestion, this course is "designed" to draw a correlation between the writings on spirituality of women from 1300 to now and the application of said spirituality through fabric creations - paintings, needlework of all sorts, etc. So far we have spent some time with Julian of Norwich. We are also embarking on a class project of making an altar frontal for the chapel. We have been encouraged to do some research and/or do our own project to get us reflecting on our own spiritual practices and how what we create is tied to what we think and say and write. I think that this course will be challenging if only because I have come up with a mother of a project for myself that I hope will reach completion before January, but may take longer. I guess we'll see.

That's all well and good, but I had wanted to lay out something I've been processing for a little while.

There are people from many different backgrounds and situations here. Some have spouses, some have spouses and children. And it is those that I want to talk about. I don't know how they do it. It takes an immense amount of juggling and time management to accomplish what they are doing. I admire them all greatly, and have immense respect for each of them.

I may be nitpicking or touching on my own insensitivity, however, when I note that two of the suggested self-care questions from an event today are,
__ I eat my evening meal with my family/spouse.
__ I go away once every six months with my spouse.
and my gut reaction is disappointment with myself. Better yet, when I ask about these particulars and voice my disappointment, a simple answer of "well, you are to choose which of all of these are the important ones to you and note which ones you think you should pay attention to". And that illicits anger and more disappointment because I'm now assuming that that sentence means that I won't pick those options as important to me because they aren't really options to me.

(Incidentally, I am currently eating my supper now in front of the laptop because sitting at the dinner-table by myself is one of the most depressing things to do in my life)
I am normally content with the life I am living. I have counseled other classmates with words about the real fact that this degree is so time-consuming to be at a point that one can't really develop a new intimate relationship fairly and well (and I believe them). I usually seek time alone at the end of the day when I've had roommates, and I like my own company.

HOWEVER, there is a very real tangible gut and being yearning to be in real relationship with someone. I envy my "family" classmates because they have someone at home with them. I come home to a dark hallway (if I've forgotten to turn on the light), the dull hum of electricity, and utter silence. And a deep desire to "get out".

My point, however whiny and sad it may be, is that it sucks to be an independently single person at Seminary. However difficult it is to juggle family, children, and classwork, I continue to admire and envy those people.

And I don't need to fix this problem, I just want to find a way to process it and understand it better.

Thanks for listening.

Settling Inn.

I have been at my new job as the Residence Manager/Housing Coordinator for almost a month now. It's been an interesting job. During the summer months the Residence functions as a hostel/hotel. We take in shorter stays and people booking for group stays for summer courses. I currently have a "full house". Many different kinds of people staying for different reasons. As I said, it's been interesting. And a great learning experience.

Despite some ups and downs, the job itself is pretty easy. I am currently getting ready for the Great Move - when the permanent Residents start moving in for the new school year. This is slightly complicated by the varying start dates of different programs offered at the U of S. I have some students starting next week! And then other students arriving from all over the world at different times. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't currently have a full dormitory! As it is, the fine act of juggling current guests who are leaving, guests arriving and then leaving, and new Residents moving in has been a good one so far. I have 5 rooms clearing out after this weekend and then 15 more next weekend. And two whole days to get those all cleaned up before masses descend upon the building. Should be an interesting couple of weeks.

Meanwhile, I've been reorganizing some things in my office (trying to get rid of the useless and unnecessary). It's taken a couple of days, but I think I am nearing completion. Still processing paperwork for the new Residents (and probably still will be come Sept. 6th).

As for the life of this Seminarian, I have gleaned the following information:

Orientation starts on the 6th or 7th. We have a LTS only orientation and get together, then an STU-wide get together, a retreat to Shekinah (an altogether lovely spot north-west of Saskatoon in a valley somewhere...), and an opening worship on the 12th. Classes start on the 13th.

I am taking the following courses this fall:

- Introduction Pastoral Care
- Galatians
- Lutheran Confessions
- Homiletics
- The Self
- God's Secretaries: Devotional Literature

Yes, I know. There are 6 courses there. There's a little arrangement with the Homiletics course from last year moving through this year, so I'm not really *taking the class*, but I am *registered* for it. The last two are functioning as electives for me this year, and I am intrigued to see how they are going to impact each other. All in all it looks like a decently intensive amount of classwork. I am a little disappointed that I couldn't take the history class I wanted to, but after seeing the reading list for that class, I have to admit that I am a little relieved. My professors for the semester are an interesting group and I am looking forward to each class.

On top of classes, I am also going to be the Assistant to the Dean of Chapel. It's a job I was hoping for last year as I love all of the worship planning! I am aiming to not take on as much this year as I did last year, and I am rapidly meeting my quota of workload. Still, I am looking forward to classes starting. It's been kind of surreal to think that I am now an ongoing student and at the end of this year I will be off on internship! Ack. There are a few months in between now and then to keep me busy however.

I have also been given the information I need for the Clinical Pastoral Education program I will be doing in the Spring. Hopefully I will be doing the one in Halifax, but I will also be applying to the one in Winnipeg.

No good news on the car front. I have exhausted all of my options, and it has been decided that I will need to be supported by a most gracious and giving person who will either co-sign or outright purchase a car for me that I can then pay back over time. Gifts and donations will graciously be accepted as well. Ideally, I was looking at a new car, but there is a used car that I would gladly take. But, I don't think I've ever known a person willing to give a $12,000 gift. Here's hoping that something will come along. Otherwise I may have to rethink the CPE thing in Halifax. :(

Peace and blessings to you all!

On Technology

I am pretty sure it's me. It's my problem. However, the closer a relationship I develop with technology the more I dislike communication problems. I don't ever like being misunderstood, and I certainly don't like how tone of "voice" can be misunderstood in written text. Was it always this way, or did people who actually wrote letters add smiley and winkey faces to lighten their "tone"?! Suffice it to say, I will endeavor to actually talk to people instead of leaving hurried messages when I am feeling a little out of sorts. I think it's for the best.

I am moved out of the dormitory for the next two weeks while I finish up my Hebrew class. I have moved in with a friend a short bus ride from the University. It's nice to have company to stay with. I have missed being around people - but I am still settling in. I have gotten used to my own company, and I now find that the silence was pleasant. I still missed being around people, so a compromise is in order, I think.

Week number 2 has started, and I am off to class.

Apparently time makes one abent-minded

Okay, I know. I've apparently fallen off the grid for a couple of months. And a busy time it's been.

The winter semester is over, and the spring semester is half done. A year has nearly come and gone. I am no longer a first year student. What a strange feeling that is. I find myself reminiscing on the year gone by and how much I've changed over that short period of time. Mostly, I think every change has been a good one.

When I first came through the doors of the Seminary there were a lot of questions about my ability to actually do the work. There were also a lot of questions along the lines of: "Has what I've learned at my home congregation been a good introduction to the Lutheran beliefs and traditions?" Oddly, all of these questions were answered over time.

I have completed a full academic year of study - successfully. I have proven to myself that I can do the work, and have the ability to be competent about what I have learned. That, in itself, is a terrific confidence booster and strong affirmation. I would say that I have also learned that what I knew about the Lutheran beliefs and traditions has been greatly enhanced and I am looking forward to discovering more as I go along.

The year has been full of great discoveries!
- I have made a whole bunch of friends, who are insightful, passionate, caring, and excellent role models.
- I have discovered new passions in liturgy, homiletics, and church history. All things that I look forward to delving deeper into.
- I have traveled to places that I never would have thought of going, and have been enriched by what I have seen.
- I have become passionate about the role of church in our communities and the role of all members of said church (regardless of position, means, or current understanding).

Interestingly, my desire to prove myself as able has lessened. My need to affirm myself through my grades has all but disappeared. My uncomfortableness about living in constant transition is abating (strange how being forced to live it constantly over 4 or 5 years does that). My insecurity about me is transforming into a confidence to accept myself as I am and as I evolve over time. That is also becoming a trend with dealing with people - I am willing to accept anyone as they are, where they are in their life. I am listening more, and giving "sound" advice less and less (which is a bizarre miracle in itself)!

Some of us have thought that it would be nice to put together a "care package" for the new entering students in the fall. We're thinking that it would be a great way to pass on both helpful and humorous advice without being "we've been there and now know all that there is to know about being a first year. TAKE HEED!!!" :) I am looking forward to coming up with a few ideas.

The year has ended with quite a few hiccups in my desired smooth transition. I lost my car in April. It was a good car. I had gout - not a fun time, and I would wish it on no one. A lot of uncertainty about my finances, but a strong faith that though I worry (A LOT), it has worked out this far and God will provide for what I am to do.

I have been trying to right all the wrongs of past finance mistakes. I got my credit report to investigate what I still need to work on. I got a credit card (after much research and accepting a horrible interest rate). This has been an important step to me because I was so irresponsible with the previous card I had. The limit is quite low (so it can't get out of hand), and I am adamant about paying off the full bill every month (so I don't build up debt by only making minimum payments). Met with my bank to discuss a few discrepancies on the credit report. And I was pleasantly surprised to hear that I am making all the right decisions to fix what I had previously broken, royally. Things are not perfect, certainly, but it's nice to hear that I am doing the right things.

The imperfection brings me to the most recent problem: my car. All joking "about how once you have a car you can never live without one" aside, I have thought really hard about a car, and have determined that it's both a good idea and a practical necessity for me. I have shopped around, discussed loans with the bank, test driven a few cars that I have thought looked good on paper. I have the "misfortune" of being wholly unable to purchase a used car. (Although I may appear nonplussed about this fact, it is still frustrating) I had thought a used car would make the most sense because I have limited finances, but it is paradoxically the worst option in car purchases. A new car it is going to have to be. I admit that I am appalled at the cost of purchasing a car - the darn things are so expensive! But, truth be told, I am happy with the idea because it means having a car that is under warranty when my previous car cost so much in repairs (nigh monthly). Suffice it to say, I am looking at a manageable monthly payment combined with reasonable plate cost. It will be interesting to see how all the investigating turns out.

My summer seems to be stacking up nicely. The boxes have been packed and stored. I am currently living in a practically empty (and very echo-y) residence room. Until Sunday. Then I am off to live on the other side of the city with a kind person who has offered to take me in until I finish my current Hebrew course at LTS. The reason for this move is mainly out of the residence's need for space to rent over the summer. I appreciate and understand wholly, even if it makes my life a little more difficult. After class is over, I am jetting off to BC to spend some time with my family. And I am looking forward to this more and more. Three weeks later I will be back in Saskatchewan - to settle in to my new digs and new responsibilities! I have been hired to be the new Residence Manager for the 2010-2011 academic year. This is great for many reasons, not the least of which is free rooming in a two-bed apartment!

The year has certainly been rewarding and fun. And as I said to another new and dear friend: I hope next year is as much fun, but it would be nice if it were a lot more uneventful!

Time flies.

"What gain have the workers from their toil? I have seen the business that God has given to everyone to be busy with. He has made everything suitable for its time; moreover he has put a sense of past and future into their minds, yet they cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end. I know that there is nothing better for them than to be happy and enjoy themselves as long as they live; moreover, it is God's gift that all should eat and drink and take pleasure in all their toil. I know that whatever God does endures forever; nothing can be added to it, nor anything taken from it; God has done this, so that all should stand in awe before him. That which is, already has been; that which is to be, already is; and God seeks out what has gone by." Ecclesiastes 3: 9-15

It's interesting to me that time can seem still, stopped, altogether too fast, or like there's never enough of it. The way in which we conceptualize time is a fascinating thing to think about. Lately, I seem to be reflecting on it a lot. A whole month has passed by since my last post - and to me it feels both longer and shorter.

I am devoted to my studies and everything I am involved with at school is done with some sense of Joy. The days pass quickly and I often find myself at the end of a school week wondering where the week went in the first place.

And yet, the evenings are the time I come to dread. It's not as serious as that, surely, but the time I spend alone is difficult. I find ways to fill the time, but I am noticing that these ways are not necessarily the ways I prefer to spend my time. I want to cherish the time on my own as I do the day spent at school. I want to be thankful for all of the time I have.

This has me thinking about art an awful lot this week. I have been thinking about how to use the time I devoted to "becoming" an artist in my life devoted to answering a call to ordained ministry. I am puzzled by the split my mind has created between my spirituality and my creativity -- and I am slowly trying to introduce the two to one another. Sometimes with incredible success and sometimes with incredible dissatisfaction. Either way, it is a practice that I wish I could spend more time on.

I have been thinking about where my life is going to lead me, when I will feel as though I have reached a stability that will be a comfort. I am in a time-based process of stretching, growing, shrinking, expanding, and soaring - all leading to a faith-filled purpose that I may at some time understand.

In the meantime, I create what little I can in an attempt to voice the emotions of my soul. I wanted to share a video with you. It's been titled "Alone" and uses the music of Annie Lennox. This song speaks to me, and I often find myself humming it, passing time, while I am walking out in the world. Admittedly, it's lyrics are a little sad, but it's a reminder to me that I can still "get there by myself". I hope you enjoy it.

Reflections on complaints and worries.

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your Heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." - Matthew 6:25-34 (NIV)

How is it that I feel like I spend too much time complaining? How is it that my friends all feel like they spend too much time complaining? Is it because we hear ourselves in our thoughts, in inner dialogue, in conversation with concerned people, and sometimes in the typed words of our many blogs/facebook posts/tweets. Is it truly that we are complaining too much? Is it, as a mentor said, that complaining isn't if you are simply presenting the facts? I think I "complain" because it is a way to ease the worrying of my soul.

This post was going to be about how I've been feeling lately, but I think it's becoming less about me laying down the many sentiments and statements about being up here all alone, and more about how there is a constant desire to sit and worry myself sick.

The above passage has been underlined, highlighted, and bookmarked in my Bible for years now. Such that, I can open that particular bible and it will fall open to those words. My mother directed me to it when I was a teen. I do not know what it was that was causing me to worry in such a state that Mum felt compelled to direct me to it. And I am sure that, as with much of my teen years, the issue wasn't nearly as life or death as I was surely convinced it was. Through much of my life I have struggled with this passage.

As I sat eating my breakfast in the cafeteria this past week, I observed a magpie digging seeds out from between the crevices of the rock wall of the school building. It was frantically jumping from foothold to foothold, poking its little beak into places it was certain it had stored some food in the fall. I had watched the magpies in the fall, storing the food, so I was just as certain that the food was there. They do stow! I had thought, and received proof.

I don't think that was necessarily Jesus' point, however. I have come to think that Jesus wants to remind us to rely on God. Our own desires aren't always going to be about our own sustenance, and worrying isn't going to help the situation. In fact, when I worry about something that I have no control over, I often come out feeling worse by the end of it. So what's a girl to do?

Share. Laying out the facts of how I am feeling isn't complaining, when the alternative is sitting alone and worrying myself to an early demise. And I wish more of my friends would come to that realization. Not just the sharing part, but the listening part as well. Listening to someone who needs to get anything "off of their chest" isn't listening to someone just complain - it's sharing the burdens of the mind and soul. It's a blood-letting of the "heart". And just being there for people is often enough for that person to move on. Some people need a little more - but I don't really want to get into the dynamics of psychology.

So, perhaps a commitment to the Lenten season. Listen to the people around you who are "complaining", pray for them, and share your own "complaints" with people you trust. Pray for yourself, attempt to move on by giving it up to God, but don't feel bad if those little worries creep back into your mind. Just deal with them head-on. And share as often as you need to.

Peace.

Back in the Saddle?

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains but have not love, I am nothing. If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing." 1 Corinthians 13: 1 - 3

"Dear friends, do not be surprised at the painful trial you are suffering,
as though something strange were happening to you."
1 Peter 4: 12

Yes, I know. I said I would post about the trip.... but my photos aren't back from the photo place yet (if they even develop), so it will have to wait a bit longer.

And the reality of a Seminarian's life hits me today much like a sopping wet snowball to the side of the head. This is hard work. And there's a lot of it. And no one much cares because they all have the same amount of work to do.

"Suck it up" doesn't have the wonderful feeling to it anymore. And is that maybe because I am used to saying it more tongue-in-cheek? Perhaps something for further investigation at a later time.

Second semester seems to be taking on earnestly the challenge of "weeding out". I don't really like to complain about my life, and I know that there are plenty of people out there who are harder-working, further-stretched, or just plain more down-and-out than I, but I want to help you understand what I am up against in my current life.

I am enrolled in 6 classes. Two of them were full year, and because of that I have the credit load of 5 classes - but it's really as though I am taking 6 classes. Each class has its own required material (our professors are supposed to stay under 1000 pages of reading per class). In one class, the professor has determined that we will read the entire Old Testament during the course of the semester (that's on top of the regular reading). In another, we will read the entire New Testament during the course of the semester (on top of regular reading and additional secondary reading - found for your convenience, in the library). In yet another, regular reading plus whatever chapters of the Bible that are necessary to understanding theology. And then History (we're spending 8 weeks on Reformation). And Liturgy. And Globalization, where we will be assessing our trip and contextualizing it to the content of the class. That's 6 right?! So I will in actuality probably read the Bible 3 times fully in 4 months. (I always said I wanted to spend more time reading the Bible....)

Outside of class: Every fourth week, I am involved with a group of peers to lead worship. I have LTSSU Secretarial duties. I am the Worship Committee Chairperson (and we are responsible for Holy Week and all Easter celebrations). I am the Events Chairperson (which won't have too much responsibility after the next LTSSU Meeting - I am a firm believer in ad hoc committees). I have a weekly bible study at church (We're doing the Book of Faith series on Romans). I have to plan and teach an Adult Education session at Church in March with another classmate. I have to find the time to assist another communion service at church as part of my contextual education component. Then there are the occasional Theological Café attendences, STU sessions and meetings, and various other event things that come up. For leisure, I attend a weekly Theological Breakfast with some classmates and a weekly Grubbery and Libations dinner. I also try to get to the STU hockey games to cheer for my classmates who are on the ice. And to squeeze in homework and personal time (self care is an essential part of being at Seminary). Oh, and sometimes I want to get down to Regina to visit friends and "family".

Somewhere in all of that I am determined to get some thoughts about Ethiopia into a presentation form to take to all of the lovely people who want to know about the trip.... eventually. Not to mention the painting commission I have (which I will attempt to complete in one week during Reading Week).

So, it could all be manageable, in my opinion, if there weren't activity in my brain. The kind of activity that wakes you up at night in a cold sweat for no reason. The kind that makes you question what on God's green earth made you think that this was going to be the right plan for your life. The kind that makes you realize just how old your body is getting because you haven't managed to find the time for proper exercise and nutrition (not to mention the guilt associated with not making the time for either of those). The kind that almost always finds you wandering aimlessly in the void of financial difficulties and "how am I going to get this to work?".

Yes, financial difficulties. A constant in my life forever it would seem. I make light of it, and try to keep it to myself - but somehow, people who care have wrested it from me. Bless them. So, now I can lay it out here.

I returned from Africa to learn, in a formal letter from Canada Student Loans, that I have reached a milestone. By April 2010, I will have reached the maximum amount of study weeks that CSL will cover, in fact they have graciously agreed to give me an extra 10 weeks. They ever so politely informed me that I will not get another red cent from them. It's true - there is a limit. There are many others who didn't know it even existed... I knew, miscalculated, and thought I had another two years of school to go. Oops.

On the plus side: I can't get any more money from them - my debt will remain mostly as it is, as long as I am a student. On the minus side: I can't get any more money from them.

Consequently, I have traveled the route of:
- Anger at myself for taking ten years of education to get to this point
- Resentment for such a stipulation on education
- Resignation to a lot of continued financial woe
- PANIC about the future
- Frustration at a young adult's mistakes that make it impossible for me to get a loan of any kind.
- Attempting to consider a part-time education that will take a likely 8 more years
- Vehemence that the previous option is NOT an option I will entertain
- Recitation of the following: "If God wants me to be in Seminary, God will provide me with the tools I need to continue to be here..."
- A sense of humour that at least I was here in Canada, and not at one of the Masters schools I had previously applied for, when I found out this bit of news.

So what does it cost to be at Seminary? I know some of you readers are making contributions to Seminarians through your churches and various scholarship programs at many Seminaries. I can't make a claim about all Seminaries, but I can tell you what it's costing me.

Tuition (for two semesters): approx. $8000 (that includes 2 of 4 payments for the trip to Africa)
Books: $700/semester (although I have been told this goes down as the years go on)
Residence (Sept - April): approx. $7500
Laundry: $10 - $15/month
Car: $40/month (+$60 every time I travel to Regina and back) (+$60/month for plates)
Phone: $50/month
Groceries and Essentials: $20/month

Really, those are the things that keep me alive. I can't put a price on Entertainment, Clothing, or Recreation because it is really based on what I have left over to spend. I can tell you, however, that despite all my planning - there's not enough money.


Now that I've complained more than I am comfortable with, I have realized that this post is immense. If you're still with me:

Pray with me that God will continue to reveal a path for me. Bless me in the lifting of all my worries and concerns to God, and strengthen me as I devote myself to my studies.

God's peace be with you.